I was sitting in a private villa in the picturesque mountains of Panama with five other amazing women, on a 7-day leadership retreat with a master business coach, eating chocolate and drinking hot tea, when the retreat facilitator came in and announced that for our afternoon session we were going to immerse ourselves in another deep meditation. She asked us to prepare and set up.
I groaned inside, silently to myself.
I was tired.
We had been participating in deep internal personal growth work for days and I had already experienced some incredible breakthroughs.
I had received some 1:1 laser focused coaching from the facilitator, I had a game plan and clarity on next steps to take in my business and to be honest, I kind of just wanted to relax. My brain was tired and my emotions were spent.
I didn't want to dive any deeper and I didn't think there was anything left to uncover. Sometimes personal growth work can be exhausting, you know?
But in reality, looking back, I was just being incredibly resistant.
Resistance has always been a theme I've struggled with throughout the years.
Meaning, if I didn't "feel like it" or if something or someone made me feel uncomfortable, I wanted to run, hide, or resist.
If I couldn't run and hide, I would just react.
Get annoyed. Irritated.
I would take out my frustration on someone else.
I would write a passive aggressive social media post, filled with emotion, instead of dealing with my own resistance.
Basically, I would sit and either over-analyze the situation or react to it. Neither strategy was working for me.
In this particular instance, I was polite and respected the group and the process, but inside,
I was swimming in my own resistance.
I knew I didn't have a choice however so I took a deep breath and laid down on the couch inside the villa. This could have come across as rude, and I'm sure the facilitator felt that.
I'm normally the good student who sits up tall in meditation, listens deeply during business lectures, takes notes, and asks great questions.
My growth and my personal leadership is something I take very seriously.
But because I was feeling so blah, I sort of lost that desire and my resistance had me relax a little deeper instead. My inner dialogue went something like, "Heck, if I have to participate in this, I might as well make myself comfortable, right?"
So I slouched down into the cozy cushions, crossed one foot over the other, closed my eyes and placed my hands gently over my womb.
I took a deep breathe and softened in.
The facilitator began her guided meditation and shared that we were focusing on expanding the heart today.
Before I continue, to give you some deeper context, this retreat was a mix of business strategy (I left with a new mentorship plan for clients, strategies to scale my business from 6-figures to multiple 6-figures and a deeper 5-year vision) but it also included the deep emotional, and spiritual healing work that I believe is so incredibly important, especially within the conscious leadership space.
Things like busting through limiting beliefs, money blocks and old stories / fears we had accumulated over the years that were causing the manifestation of our deeper purpose to slow down. So this particular exercise I could tell was intentionally directed within the emotional and spiritual realm.
Why did I cringe at that?
Because let's face it. Sometimes the deep internal work can feel the hardest. Uncovering our deepest fears, illusions and patterns. Sitting in resistance. Bringing the intense presence and commitment that's required, to make the necessary changes towards growth.
But what I also knew from experience is this:
What we resist, persists.
What triggers us and causes resistance in us is usually exactly where we need to pause and do some internal reflection, despite the resistance that we feel.
So I gave myself a little pep talk, surrendered deeper into the couch and said a little prayer, asking for support in feeling the resistance lift so I could receive what I was meant to, from this beautiful afternoon session. I trusted the facilitator deeply and I knew each session was crafted for a reason. I was guided to be there and paid big money to be there. I needed to shift my attitude, pronto.
I didn't realize, what was about to take place would change my life forever.
The facilitator took us through a meditation where we intuitively explored any areas of our lives where we were blocking an opening or expansive energy within our heart. She explained that as conscious leaders, we are here to give. To love and lead others, and to share our gifts with the world. And we can only do that, if our hearts are open. She noted that sometimes, from negative past experiences, we close off our hearts or create stories about all the reasons we're "not ready" to step into this role. Also, she shared, as women, we need to balance our strong masculine side with our soft, feminine, creative side. She continued to rift on all the aspects of the heart and the divine feminine energy that exists within us.
Then, she touched on creation.
The part of femininity that is involved in procreation.
As in, making a human being.
As in, becoming a mother.
That struck a cord.
I felt an intense sensation coming from my abdomen, underneath the gentle touch of my hands.
Tears started streaming down my face as I suddenly found myself immersed deeply in the meditation. My resistance had lifted and images were popping up on the screen of my mind, replaying events from the last several months of my life:
- Images of me, telling my husband, "Let's just wait one more month before we try and get pregnant. I want to, but shouldn't we get ___ in order first?"
- Images of me, arguing with my husband. Telling him that yes, I did want kids, but that maybe we should wait until my business reached ____ in revenue first, just to be safe.
- Images of me over-thinking fitness plans and nutritional requirements. Thinking "Oohhh, I'll have to do that first, before I'm ready to get pregnant."
- Images of me, immersing myself in hours upon hours of endless work in my business, leaving me tired and burnt out, reactive and out of alignment
It hit me. Making myself excessively busy all the time was my clutch. It was helping me stay, well, unconscious.
Because u see, with me being busy all the time, I didn't have to pause, go within and feel all of the above. I was completely unconscious to my patterns of resistance.
And, I wasn't creating any space for the voice of my soul to come through and I certainly wasn't creating any space to heal.
The breakthrough hit me, and it hit me hard.
Becoming a mother I realized was actually a big part of my destiny. God wanted that for me.
But I was blocking it....
- Because I believed I needed to have it all together first, before I could welcome a child into the world. So I wouldn't fuck it up.
- Because I believed Dan and I would maybe get overwhelmed and potentially end up divorced like my parents were, if things were not perfect.
- Because I believed I needed to have it all together first, as a woman and as a business woman.
- Because I was addicted to being busy and "pushing" and chasing all the time, therefore my intuition had no space to communicate it's guidance and next steps with me.
What bullshit stories I had been telling myself. The tears wouldn't stop. I was in a sea of deep clarity. The meditation came to a close and we sat up.
The facilitators assistant passed me a box of tissues and I took a moment to compose myself, while the other women sat silently, holding a beautiful container for me to just be.
To feel. Heal. And process.
This was a big part of the retreat, the concept of sisterhood. Coming together to not judge one another's process but to unconditionally love and support it.
After a minute or two, the facilitator started her subsequent lecture. After a few minutes, I gently raised my hand and asked if I could share.
I needed to get this out in the open.
"Of course" she said gently.
Fighting back tears I shared the breakthrough I had experienced with the group. I've done tons of high level yoga immersions in my day, I've studied with energy healers and business specialists, and had experienced many breakthroughs and life altering moments. But this.
It was truly the moment I felt I had been prepared for, years in the making. This one breakthrough, changed everything for me.
I went home, with a new mission.
It was time to stop resisting the woman (and mom) I was here to be. It was time to make space for my real destiny to come forth.
Four months later, the pregnancy test read positive. My little bump and journey into motherhood had begun.
Now five months pregnant, I'm still sitting in a deep sea of clarity.
It's been the best 5 months of my life.
To the retreat facilitator, Lisa Fabrega, thank you.
To the women who held space for me, and loved me unconditionally, despite my moments of resistance, thank you.
To this sweet, sweet soul, getting ready to come earthside, thank you. I'm so excited to meet you and to be your mama!
I want to turn this over to you.
Thank you for reading. Please share with anyone who this may help. I would be so grateful.
But what about you?
- Where is resistance tugging at you and controlling you? Where are you being reactive, instead of going within? And what can you give up so that you can experience your own powerful breakthrough?
- Is there an area of your life where u know you're meant to play bigger? Receive or welcome something in that you've been resisting and making hard?
- What stories are you telling yourself about why you're not ready or why you can't do ________ yet?
- Did something happen growing up, that's made you believe you're not ready or worthy?
- And finally, what are you unconsciously telling yourself, that's blocking the (real) woman you're here to be, from manifesting into her true form?
Because you really can be/do/ and have anything that you desire, you know that right?
It's mostly just a game of healing all the old stories we tell ourselves, with respect to why we're not ready or capable of having ______ yet.
I believe you're ready now.
You may just need to unpack and weed out a few stories first, that's all.
To your (real) destiny and as always, your freedom